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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.